Why didn’t anyone tell me…

Jodi Picoult : Vanishing Acts.

Yes, I know it’s a book by a girl. And I’m starting to notice that entirely too many girl-written books have the same attributes:

1. Girl hero character is always object of hidden, secret love that comes out in book, even when it does nothing for the story.

2. Love triangle thing always happens.

3. Girl hero is always right. Even when it’s illogical, and stupid. Because she just is.

4. Girl hero character sleeps with forbidden member of love triangle in 85% of these books.

Which begs the question – are girl authors not getting enough action? Or is this just playing to the audience of girls that don’t get enough action? Either way, I’m getting tired of this pattern.

Flipping the same flashlight on guy-written books you get:

Action books:

1. Manly man hero character is always allowed to kill someone. At any time. With anything. And rarely gets hurt.

2. Manly man rarely if ever has secret burning love of character in book. Either they’re in bed or he’s forgotten.

3. He’ll just jump in bed with whoever.

Fantasy books:

1. Wimp at beginning of story is wronged.

2. Wronged wimp suddenly discovers magic/fantastic power or lifelong friend.

3. Wronged wimp and comedy tagalongs must escape/take on noble journey.

4. Immediate family or equivalent bond is sworn to kill them, or everyone, or both, or destroy the world, or whatever.

5. Powers have no cost, and are entirely overused.

6. Readers lose interest and only finish out of commitment to finishing what they started in the dire hopes that it gets better, which it never does.

Scifi books:

1. One neat or perhaps clever idea is presented at the beginning as the crux of a theoretical society.

2. The idea is beat to death.

3. Every instance of, “Dammit!” is replaced with a slightly altered version that reflects on point 1, such as “By Space!”, or “By Selden!”, as if it made sense.

4. Every other aspect of human life is ignored as a convenience to the reader. The only elements left to these societies is science, politics, and sex. Love, art, music, children, funding, etc. cease to exist. Conveniently.

Back to Vanishing Acts.

There are a few things that I liked. The pace was good. The characters were okay. The imagery was good. The shock value was up there. But why in the world does it have to follow the girl pattern? He has always loved her, but left it alone for her happiness. She’s had CharA’s baby, but decides suddenly it’s time to jump beds and take up with his and her Other best friend, because once you’ve had one guy’s baby, why not have the other one’s too? He gives up Everything to be near her.

Has this woman not been to Louisiana? Has she not met women before? Has she not met a GUY before? Which leads me to the obvious alternative: they’re symbolic. So what do they represent:

Hero Girl: I stopped maturing at 17 and my hormones are uncontrolled. I’m the mental projection of every locked-in housewife south of the snowline. I’m slim, attractive, emotionally wrecked, always right, and nothing is my fault!

Baby’s Father: I’m the drunk you fell in love with in high school and wonder what would have happened if you stayed with. I clean up, become a lawyer, and then go back on the bottle, so aren’t you glad you broke up with him/me? And when we break up and you take away my baby, I give in because you’re always right, and nothing is your fault.

Best Friend: I’m the intellectual and moral backbone of your friendships in high school that you wish you had slept with (or slept with more). I should get the girl, so in this book I will! I will leave my job and home to follow you around. Aren’t I cooler than the person that provides for you? Wow, you’re always right.

Dad: If I were real, you’d love to have had me instead of whatever defective real people brought you up and cared for you. I represent the overidealized parent that would do anything. Wouldn’t you rather have me than your own parents? I thought so. Because you’re always right.

Really girls – get over this. It’s ruining your books.